Bogus Business Cards and Such
I have talked before about how stupid it is to have a gazillion business cards in your wallet that you often give out to friends and acquaintances rather than potential clients.
Now I have come up with a list of better business-card-sized goodies to carry in your purse or wallet that would be much, much more practical and frequently used and will save you from long pointless conversations:
A card that says:
"I am so happy you understand my life better than I do. You are so much smarter and more competent than myself and others. Since I am so ignorant, I will put you on the Board to be President of "How (your name here) should run his/her life" for the following term."
For when you are ordering breakfast at a fast food chain:
"If you don't give me my Egg McMuffin meal within two minutes flat I will throw
back the coffee at you and you will be third-degree-burned before you have time to take down my license plate number."
For your friend who doesn't understand she should ditch that guy:
"How many times do we have to have this conversation? Please put this card on your mirror to remind yourself that he is and will never be good enough for you!"
A card that says that you're the CEO of some bogus company so that when you're at high-brow reunions where people think you are less of a person because you are an elementary school teacher and not a lawyer or doctor they will get an evil surprise when they phone the number on your card to talk business and it rings through to an answering machine that says "thank you for giving me your phone number so I can harass you at 3 a.m. every Sunday for the next three months for thinking less of me for doing a job that creates all others, including yours you ingrate!"
And last but not least, the following card which you hold up while yelling "waiter/waitron/waitress!" and which explains on the back: "I will chase you down with my butterknife if you don't refill my water soon. Why can't you be more like Viet Thai? I am taking one cent off your tip for each second that goes by from now until my water gets here. I'm watching my watch and I'm watching you. Go you slacker teenager! Go!"
Now I have come up with a list of better business-card-sized goodies to carry in your purse or wallet that would be much, much more practical and frequently used and will save you from long pointless conversations:
A card that says:
"I am so happy you understand my life better than I do. You are so much smarter and more competent than myself and others. Since I am so ignorant, I will put you on the Board to be President of "How (your name here) should run his/her life" for the following term."
For when you are ordering breakfast at a fast food chain:
"If you don't give me my Egg McMuffin meal within two minutes flat I will throw
back the coffee at you and you will be third-degree-burned before you have time to take down my license plate number."
For your friend who doesn't understand she should ditch that guy:
"How many times do we have to have this conversation? Please put this card on your mirror to remind yourself that he is and will never be good enough for you!"
A card that says that you're the CEO of some bogus company so that when you're at high-brow reunions where people think you are less of a person because you are an elementary school teacher and not a lawyer or doctor they will get an evil surprise when they phone the number on your card to talk business and it rings through to an answering machine that says "thank you for giving me your phone number so I can harass you at 3 a.m. every Sunday for the next three months for thinking less of me for doing a job that creates all others, including yours you ingrate!"
And last but not least, the following card which you hold up while yelling "waiter/waitron/waitress!" and which explains on the back: "I will chase you down with my butterknife if you don't refill my water soon. Why can't you be more like Viet Thai? I am taking one cent off your tip for each second that goes by from now until my water gets here. I'm watching my watch and I'm watching you. Go you slacker teenager! Go!"
