J.C.Q.

Today I think I will talk about why Cathedral Village sucks. I hope that Gip, a friend living in this area, stays ignorant as to me having a blog. Okay, but seriously, I feel obliged to point out that this is all in jest. So take it with a grain of salt, as I do enjoy the area but am just trying to be funny and have ran out of ways of doing so without being offensive.

So here are the ten dumbest things about Cathedral:

1 - Many Cathedralians hate the Catholic Church for its views on gay mariage, women's rights, and contraception. But the place they are living in is named after a Catholic Cathedral. Ha, take that you hippies!
2 - Safeway overprices everything in its Cathedral store because it has a monopoly. But I don't see people in Cathedral all heading across the street on their bikes in protest to go to Eat Healthy Foods to buy everything, do you?
3 - The nun's convent. I needn't be redundant; please refer to #1.
4 - Cathedral Village Freehouse. Since when are overpriced ripoffs of traditional dishes from other countries cool, or should I say kosher? I mean, come on.
5 - The Running Room. Now everyone needs to belong to a corporation in order to partake in their super-happy daily jogs. And remember, you can't be seen without the latest pair of New Balance shoes. I have a better idea. Instead of punching a Cathedral Hippie, I will punch John Stanton. If I can catch up to him.
6 - That shop where you can get shirts made with Rainbow Bright, My Little Pony, and other kids' shows. Now don't get me wrong! I love these shirts. But aren't Cathedral people opposed to shows that they deem to be evil marketing tools sucking on children's creativity and that this will result in them being emotionally unsound for the rest of their lives?
7 - The Red Meat Wagon. Free Range? Organic? Uhhh...
8 - Burns and Hanley, the only Catholic gift shoppe in town. It lies on the Cathedral Village Festival pathway. Once again, please refer to #1.
9 - I am always getting run over by cars in this area. I tried to ride my bike. I really did. But I nearly took it instead of my overpriced Chai Tea Latté. Okay, so maybe that's not the fault of Cathedral people. But someone is going to totally pay for my Chai Tea Latté from that place near Viet-Thai.
10 - You can buy a Slurpee (or the no-name brand) in so many places. Aren't Slurpees not only bad for your body, but for society in general? Their excess sweet syrup mix is what oils the wheels of Capitalism.

And now I depart. I am to meet my friends at the Freehouse in exactly half an hour. But next time drive my S.U.V. to Church at the Cathedral in my sweatshop clothes drinking from a 2 litre box of Loblaws milk, I don't want any flack!

Posted by Fishsticks at 16:22 | Permalink | Comments

At 11:17 a.m. this morning, Queen of West Procrastination and her affiliates led me down a dark, dirty road. The dirty, dirty road of using Google Image Search for pleasurable activities, namely that of finding out who or what shares your first name. For example, Queen of West was proud to discover a bright blue flip-flop with the same name as her. Others discovered similar pleasantries.

I innocently decided to join in the fun. Well, let me tell you: pressing "I'm feeling lucky" after typing my name in the search field was a huge mistake. Porn, porn, and more porn.

I am apparently the owner of a trashy name. Apparently half of all playboys and porn stars are named Jacqueline. Image after image after image of scantily-clad, big busted women in suggestive poses. Apparently every French woman's name has to be hijacked and used for abusive purposes!

This situation was all the more undesirable considering I was at work. Oh well, I suppose if they haven't gotten mad at me yet for surfing the Libertarian Party of Canada's website during my spare time, I doubt they'll be too upset. The Libertarians actually have the guts to ask: "Do you remember George Orwell's 1984? We do and that's a large part of what we're trying to prevent."

But I digress. Since I obviously don't feel like posting pictures of the results of my name search, send me yours. I'll put up your favourite Google Image Pic representing your name on my site. The best entry gets my sun-bleached Ruckers' tickets lying in B.A.Q.'s car.

Eisenhower's dog Heidi



Helen, the Sweetheart of the Internet




Nathalie, aka Nathalie X




Marissa Nadler

Posted by Fishsticks at 11:24 | Permalink | Comments

BROWNSVILLE, Ore. (AP) - It could have happened to anyone: Charles Gastorf and his wife, Cheryl, forgot to pay the $10 tab for 10 bags of steer manure during a recent shopping trip to their local Wal-Mart.

The two say that in the confusion of shopping on that March day they simply forgot to add in the cost of the manure. When the Gastorfs explained their forgetfulness to Lebanon City Attorney Tom McHill, he dropped shoplifting charges against them.

That could have been the end of the story - except for the letter from the world's largest retailer that soon arrived in their mailbox, demanding $175 in civil damages.

That's when the Gastorfs learned about a little-known Oregon law that allows retailers to pursue civil penalties regardless of whether a person is found guilty or innocent of theft.

The Gastorfs - who live in a manufactured home and are retired - spoke to an attorney, who told them that challenging the action in court could cost them several thousand dollars, much more than the $175 civil claim.

So the Gastorfs paid Wal-Mart the money.

"We wouldn't want to embark on a life of crime at our ages and become manure thieves. I mean, if you were going to steal something, would you steal manure?" Gastorf said.

But Shardon Weber, a spokeswoman for Bentonville, Ark.-based Wal-Mart, told The Albany Democrat Herald that the company has decided to refund the Gastorfs' $175.

"It simply seems like the right thing to do," she said.

Posted by Fishsticks at 12:28 | Permalink | Comments

Attendant: Welcome to Dairy Queen. What can I get you today?
J.C.Q.: One small Extreme Chocolate Blizzard, please.
Attendant: That'll be $5.08. Please drive ahead.
J.C.Q. [Makes B.A.Q. pay, receives blizzard, takes a spoonful] B.A.Q., will you please go through the drive through again?

Attendant: Welcome to Dairy Queen. Can I take your order?
J.C.Q.: No, but you can go get the Manager on this thing
Attendant: Umm... Okay...
Manager: Hello, Mikey Burns, Store Manager of Dairy Queen South Albert speaking.
J.C.Q.: Hi Mikey. You know, over the years, I have put up with Dairy Queen's use of e-words: extra, enormous, earthquake... but I really don't believe this Extreme Chocolate Blizzard is all that extreme. The only thing extreme about it is the price. But I don't think that's what you were trying to go for. Here's a better e-word to describe your product: excessive. As in excessive and abusive use of brownie bits. I almost chocked on the brownies before going into a diabetic coma.
Manager: Is there anything else you'd like to mention, ma'am?
J.C.Q.: Yes, I think you need a breakfast product to keep up with the other fast-food chain restaurants. Since you're all into taking things to ridiculous extremes, I suggest a Mach 3 Razor with bacon and egg blizzard for all those Type A business people. In keeping with your stupid farm-animal theme, you could call it Eggstreme Breakfast and market it along with your Moolattes. Then, you know, you'd not only have some lady going crazy over the Moolattes, but some guy who ate razor blades for breakfast trying to kill her. After all, you're all about "Doing something different."
Manager: I see.
B.A.Q.: Yeah, and speaking of Moolattes, you should call them Boolattes because they suck or Poolattes because they taste like c...
J.C.Q.: ...be quiet B.A.Q.! You are not helping, and nobody will think that's funny when I post this on my blog.
B.A.Q.: Pfft, whatever. Sorry.
J.C.Q.: Mr. Manager, here's an even better idea! Max 6 Blizzard. Max 5 chocolate bar with DQ soft-serve.
Manager: I am sorry your burger tasted that bad, Ma'am. If you drive forward I'll give you a coupon for a new one.
J.C.Q.: No really. That's okay. Put the money toward a new drive through voice system.
Manager: What?

Okay, so the part after me taking a spoonful of Blizzard is all in my head. But hey, the fact that I made B.A.Q. pay for it is still funny and true!

Posted by Fishsticks at 12:50 | Permalink | Comments

Today I figured out how to bind 81 sheets of three-hole punched paper together with fish line. It's actually a pretty sturdy document. We ran out of folders at work. But for some reason we have a huge roll if fish line. My colleagues were impressed. J.C.Q. 1, Boy Scouts 0.

Speaking of words that start with fish (I know, that was the worst segue ever), I have decided to start leaving voice-mails from B.A.Q.'s fish on his answering machine. Yesterday, during his shower, Perry the Paradise Fish left two messages. Oreo and Slurpee, who are both Panda Coreys, left one each. Perry can be a jerk sometimes and leaves messages with lots of swears. Oreo and Slurpee have very high-pitched voices and are good little fishies.


BEEP -- Tuesday at 10:05 p.m. -- B.A.Q., this is Perry. Come and turn of our f*&*(&*^ light so I can get some sleep. And tell Oreo to turn down his damn music. Tell him to stay out of my territory of the tank. Or else I will have to imprison him in the nearest seashell for refusing to leave the Gaza Strip. -- BEEP


BEEP -- Tuesday at 10:06 p.m. -- Daddy, were are you? This is Oreo. Perry is being mean to me and the other Panda Coreys. And he's re-enacting what he saw on the news today in an ass-backwards way, as if it were taking place in our own tank. I think he is a schizofishy. -- BEEP


BEEP -- Tuesday at 10:07 p.m. -- B.A.Q., it's Perry again. Are you f*&$%#$ dumb? I need to get my rest. Why did you buy these stupid Panda Coreys for this tank anyway? As if the Minnows weren't bad enough. I demand my own tank. -- BEEP




BEEP -- Tuesday at 10:08 p.m. -- [Sobbing] Daddy? This is Slurpee. Hurry! Perry is getting meaner and meaner and you're still in the shower! And he won't stop hogging the phone. Please let us go live with Sammy in the tank next door. Where are you?!?! -- BEEP

Of course, I did this while forgetting that Brett's friend is living with us. Thankfully B.A.Q. got to the messages first. By 10:05 B.A.Q. had posted The Riot Act on their tank and had gotten mad at Oreo for calling Perry a schizofish.

Posted by Fishsticks at 11:39 | Permalink | Comments

A new, fresh pack of glossy business cards wrapped in cellophane. It is something I have never had the privilege of receiving. However, I tend to mock their existence for the plebian employee. Here's my guess as to what that pack of 1000 cards is generally used for:

- 5 to put around places to make you feel important: on your bathroom mirror, your fridge, your nightstand...
- 3 to stick in your travel bags and forget to replace when your extension changes. The creepy guy in your old cubicle grasps the opportunity to inherit your luggage that you thought was lost for good. You only notice when you see him wearing the sweater your grandmother knit you last Christmas vacation wrapped around his shoulders at the annual Christmas party the following year. Oh come on, as if you really wanted a bright red sweater with a big moose on it in the first place.
- 42 to be put in fish bowl draws for free lunches at the nearest chain restaurant
- 20 to be made into paper cranes to add life to your claustrophobic cubicle. You tell your boss they're your old cards when, in fact, they're the new ones. When the boss uncovers this scandal while closely admiring your artistic talent, she asks for your co-operation in not wasting valuable company resources. What you waste affects the rest of the team, you know.
- 50 for writing down something you see in passing when the back of an old bill is too flimsy
- 50 to throw away because the edges get raggy in your wallet
- 75 to give to new friends and acquaintances who will then only know how to phone you at work instead of at home, therefore wasting your company's time. Only 15 will contact you again anyway. 30 will feel depressed that they are not important enough to have their own business cards.
- 17 to give to business contacts and clients. Only 3 will actually ever contact you again.
- 100 to sit on your desk in a fancy chrome container until they go yellow and need to be discarded with the remaining 638 in the bottom of your file cabinet
when your company's website changes. Again.

Please tell me if I missed any of their vital uses. As an outsider, I can only comment so far on why an entire forest shouldn't be sacrificed for the ego of Maxeyne (pronounced Maxine), the new junior manager at Loblaws.

Posted by Fishsticks at 08:15 | Permalink | Comments

Stevie: So I guess the point of this commercial is that I shouldn't buy Energizer batteries...
Mikey: Or else they'll run away...
J.C.Q.: I should write to Energizer and tell them that my I-Pod ran away because of them. Then maybe they'd give me money so I can buy said I-Pod.
Stevie: Better yet, let's blame them for all of our electronics running away.
B.A.Q.: Let's tell them we came home and all our stuff was gone. The police didn't know who it was, but let's write that we're sure it's their batteries. Let's pretend to be scary and crazy people. That would be fun.
Paulie JR: I guess it was an effective commercial if it means we can't stop talking about it.
Mikey: Yes, and now everybody will buy Energizer batteries. Maybe they made it that dumb on purpose. I like the idea of pretending to be crazy people, Brett.
J.C.Q.: I'd like to think that the people I know who will hear this story will boycott Energizer because of their flagrant display of balderdash.
Mikey: There are Energizer batteries in my I-Pod.
Paulie JR: Maybe it will run away with me tomorrow on my nee-eeewwwwwww chopper.
Paul SR [Walks in from office. Slams door.]: You guys are never going to finish this bike on time!
J.C.Q.: You always claim we'll never get the bike! Then you always say in the end that's its the awesomest bike we've ever built and you can't believe how fast we got it done. Besides, if the motor doesn't get built, we'll just put Energizer batteries in its place.
Paul SR: Quit horsing around you smartasses and get to work or else I'll send you home for the day!

The following conversation happened. Well, maybe the first third of it. And only between B.A.Q., J.C.Q., and friend Steve. But I do like to pretend I am cool enough to hang out with the O.C.C. boys. I really need that "I love Mikey" shirt.

Posted by Fishsticks at 14:10 | Permalink | Comments

I can't believe people are actually falling for this crap. Why would anyone waste money on, say, a way overpriced Swiffer WetJet system? Woohoo, paper on a stick! Genius! They should call it Swiffer CrapJet because it is so crappy. Then you have to buy insanely overpriced crappy sheets too.

Here's a clever Dan idea: rag and vinegar. As ING guy would say: "SAYYYYYVE YOUR MONEY!" If I were a prissy Green Party member, I might also say this makes for less manufactured chemicals, less bowing to the man, and less environmental damage. But this isn't a pompous preachy post, and everyone knows how I feel about the Green Party.

And the new Swiffer Sweep + Vac has to be the suckiest sucking thing around. Fifty bucks? Anybody who is too lazy to pick up a piece of carrot from the kitchen floor for that amount of money should be beaten like a rented mule with a Swiffer CrapJet.

In fact, harder than a rented mule. The latter would follow said carrot on a stick for miles and would happily eat a piece of carrot off the ground. Therefore, you should be beaten with Swiffer CrapJet to the Max 5 if you don't grab said piece of carrot from the floor with your teeth and greedily eat it.

I like their logo: "Stop Cleaning: Start Swiffering!" I have another one: "Stop Cleaning, Let your dog lick the food off the floor."

Coming Soon: Febreze can Kiss my Armpit

Posted by Fishsticks at 21:16 | Permalink | Comments