J.C.Q.

The Phat Phree: like The Onion, but more offensive. But this post is pretty damn good, even though the fat housewives comments laissent à désirer. More dark-satire than anything else, so check it out.

Posted by Fishsticks at 18:20 | Permalink | Comments

By Unknown

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALIST, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRATIC, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

CORPORATE AMERICAN
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

CORPORATE FRENCH
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

CORPORATE JAPANESE
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

CORPORATE GERMAN
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

CORPORATE ITALIAN
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

CORPORATE RUSSIAN
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Posted by Fishsticks at 17:13 | Permalink | Comments

I'm back from T.O. But as you've probably all been there before, I will not waste your time talking about the typical tourist things I did. Instead, I will relate funny frivolous things that could have happened anywhere.

For example, during my stay I met a guy named Floyd. Of all the ridiculous... Floyd? I mean, what is this? A reject from the list of possible names for the eventual Flipper the dolphin? Come on, here.

I should make a top ten list of worst names for male boys ever. Please contribute by sending me your favourite all-time stupid name and a brief description of why it obviously sucks. I will then publish all entries in a book entitled It's not because he's chubby -- The real reason your kid gets beaten up. Or maybe for the purposes of it making Oprah's Book Club and appealing to the general public, I should use something like Don't name him Decklan: How your child could become a terrorist because of the taunting he endures during his teenage years because his name is not suited for an adult, in hindsight.

Posted by Fishsticks at 20:52 | Permalink | Comments

I encountered Randall Jarrell's The Death of the Ball Turret Gunner four or five years ago. It is the fifty or so most disturbing words I have ever read. Although its two major themes are war and abortion, every time I read it, something new pops up way beyond these meanings. Most recently, it reminds me of all sorts of mental illness.

From my mother's sleep I fell into the State,
And I hunched in its belly till my wet fur froze.
Six miles from earth, loosed from the dream of life,
I woke to black flak and the nightmare fighters.
When I died they washed me out of the turret with a hose.

Posted by Fishsticks at 08:53 | Permalink | Comments

Tomorrow I am off to Toronto for five days. How many logos will I encounter in Toronto? For the sake of comparison, here are the logos I saw from 6:32-6:39 a.m. this morning on the way to work which represent significant entities (no, these aren't all *evil* ones, and this isn't a rant about evil corporations):

7-11
Aquafina
Blockbuster
Boardwalk (like 15,000 times, the turkeys)
Book and Briar Patch
Bonzinni's
Boston Pizza
Brewster's
Burger King
California Subs
Canada Games
Canada Post
Canadian Tire (3)
Chapters
Cineplex Odeon/Galaxy
City of Regina
Coke
Connexus Credit Union
Curves
Dairy Producers of Canada
Dairy Queen
Domino's Pizza (2)
Esso
Extreme Pita
Federal Express
Government of Canada
Grower Direct
Idiotic M.P. Dave "I'm an idiot" Batters
Interac
Kelly Wilson Realty (I'm getting really close to beating this guy up)
KFC
Imperial 400
Leader-Post (5)
Lee's Chop Suey
M & M Meat Shops
McDonalds
Molson Canadian
National Post (4)
Oh Henry's
Orville Redenbacher's
Pepsi
Petro Canada (5 at least)
Petro Khazakstan
Pizza Hut (3)
Quizno's
Rainbow Cinemas
Reese
Regina Flying Club
Regina Transit (2)
Robin's Donuts
Roger's Video
Rolo
Running Room
Safeway
Sasktel SecureTek
Schmirnoff Ice
Scotiabank Financial (3)
Shell Canada (3 at least)
Shopper's Drug Mart (2)
Smarties
Smitty's
Sobey's
Starbucks
Subway
Sunshine and Ski
Taco Time
TCBYs
TD Canada Trust
Tim Hortons
Tony Roma's
Tropicana Tan
Visa
and, of course, Wal-Mart

Posted by Fishsticks at 07:02 | Permalink | Comments

It is good to have your own team of experts in life to pick up the slack where you don't have any experience. Here's my experts and the classes they teach me. They're even available 24/7 for consultation:

Acflyboyroy -- Math and Science 110
BAQ -- History 100
Bran -- Fish finding 101
Derek -- Pop Culture 110
Eternalee -- Journalism 110
Fingas -- Law 110
Heidi -- Actuarial Sciences 110
Hellian -- Social Sciences 100
Hgh -- French 101
Joanie L. -- Medicine 100
Laura -- Travel 110
Levendis -- English 101
Marissa -- Psychology 110
Natie -- Media 100
Queen of West -- Weddings 100
Sonia -- Political Science 110
T. -- Physical Activities 101

If I was running for office, I would hire you all for the following positions:
Acflyboyroy -- Head of Union Relations
BAQ -- Western Canada Relations Consultant
Bran -- East Coast Relations Consultant
Derek -- Head of Publicity
Eternalee -- Head Press Consultant and Doctor of Spin
Fingas -- Head Legal Advisor
Heidi -- Master Bookeeper
Hellian -- Northern Canada Relations Consultant
Hgh -- Diplomacy and Etiquette Expert
Joanie L. -- Personal Doctor
Laura -- International Relations
Levendis -- Lead Spin Doctor
Marissa-rissa -- Central Canada Relations Consultant
Natie -- Senior Media Consultant
Queen of West -- Head Speechwriter
Sonia -- Advisor to the United Nations
T. -- Head Event Co-ordinator

PS -- If you're not on this list it doesn't mean I don't love you and you're not my friend. It just means you don't usually visit this blog. BAQ, you barely made the cut.

Posted by Fishsticks at 07:04 | Permalink | Comments

Hahaha. I recently accessed the code to get into my old webpage from when I was in grade eleven!

Posted by Fishsticks at 18:19 | Permalink | Comments

I now present you with the five dumbest purchases the Canadian Tire family has made:



1- Sea-Doo Seascooter Dolphin. So apparently swimming is too hard now. Whoever thought Canadian Tire could come up with a solution to our problem of exercise curbing the obesity epidemic. Great purchase for $200.00



2- Simoniz® 3-in-1 Cleaning Centre. I thought the purpose of washing your car at home was to save money. For $350.00 plus accessories and maintenance, I think I'll go to Petro Canada instead.



3- Air Zone Tent. For $300.00 plus a $50.00 pumping kit (goes up in an instant? My foot. Unless you have an electric inflator) I think I can find something better. Something that would deflate when a woodpecker misjudges its *air poles* for trees.



4- Vexilar Fishfinder. For $450.00 now you too can catch a cod. Or you can buy one at The Real Canadian Superstore for $3.50.



5- 7-in. Mobile Tablet-Style DVD Player. So by now I'm expecting the Canadian Tire wife to go ballistic, beat up her husband on CBC television, and tell him to quit spending money without asking her. He's digging into the RRSP funds, maxing out the credit cards, and they're going to have to file for bankruptcy protection given the imminent fall of their Canadian Tire stocks due to crappy product launches. Instead, she delights in his purchase of a mini entertainment system for a bunch of ill-mannered children that can't stay still because they're part of an unstable family and therefore have an unstable way of thinking, especially given their family can't afford breakfast anymore.

Posted by Fishsticks at 07:11 | Permalink | Comments

I must agree with Queen of West Procrastination and Marissa. This blog is a little frightening. However, there are also parts of it that are good for a laugh, such as Three Women's Lives...

Ripplingly ironic: When Candy implies that real "inteligence" only comes through homeschooling. In any case, sending my kids to a public school is apparently akin to "the very same sin commited by Adam and Eve." At least I think that is what she means. It's hard to tell; she doesn't really know how to use pronouns.

Posted by Fishsticks at 13:28 | Permalink | Comments

http://genuineprofit.lifewithchrist.org/

Posted by Fishsticks at 14:36 | Permalink | Comments

There are four turtles at the Regina Inn beneath the escalators in their little fountain park. The turtles are always piled on top of each other and I don't know why. I have therefore come up with a list of explanations as to why these foolhardy turtles do this:

1- The turtles that are on top are extremely lazy
2- The turtles are drunk because someone poured vodka into the fountain
3- The turtles move so slowly that they don't even realize they're on someone's back
4- One turtle is re-shingling the back of the other turtle
5- Both turtles have a case of the shingles
6- The turtles are just really stupid
7- They don't understand yet how to have sex
8- The turtles on top are scared of the water
9- The turtles are trying deviously to take the escalators
10- The turtles are attempting to launch themselves on the backs of people with green shirts so they can get into the Casino Regina brunch for free and pig out before 2012.

Posted by Fishsticks at 06:56 | Permalink | Comments