J.C.Q.

1 - Dear
2 - J.C.Q.
3 - Stupid Turkey Vulture (Don't ask me where this came from. In any case, if you don't know, it's possibly the ugliest bird on the planet).
4 - Baby penguin eater (This after we saw the penguin documentary at Cineplex where some big bird comes and beats up on a cute, cuddly, fuzzy, innocent baby penguin. I was so enraged that I almost started yelling at the screen. The only people in the movie theatre with us were three old ladies saying stuff like "June, take me back to the retirement home! I don't understand this film at all! I thought we were coming to see Brad Pitt!" June: "WhAAAT??" So it's not like it would have bothered them anyway).
5 - Barnacle goose (This is the ultimate insult as I like to think of myself more as a blue-winged teal than some cheap dirty dime-a-dozen goose. Actually, I think it's kind of creepy that I am comparing myself to bird species. Okay, I'm hiding Brett's birding books for a while).

But maybe I should embrace this. I have to think of some good insulting bird names for Brett. Perhaps instead of always calling him a "stupid labour plebean" I will call him a "Common American Filthy Robin." Instead of calling him a couch hogger I will call him a Big Fat Lazy Snowgoose.

I think I should continue making posts fewer, but weirder between. Why not?

Posted by Fishsticks at 16:27 | Permalink | Comments

1 - Have your kids design your signs. Yeah, I know you want to get them involved, but it is very annoying when you rear-end someone who is trying to read the miniscule writing that, oftentimes, isn't legible despite its small size in the first place! The only excuse for this: if you happen to be a grandparent that can't read what your grandchild writes because you are nearly blind. But even if this is the case, there are no excuses for #2, which invariably accompanies #1.
2 - Put all your signs in insanely dumb places. Like on the corner past where you are supposed to turn. Better yet, put up one sign only and leave the driver to find their way through a maze of streets in your district by having to pull out a map of Regina for the first time in a decade.
3 - Sell stuff for a higher price than what you can get for a similar brand new item at Wal-Mart. Apparently some visitors will actually believe a ten year old electric kettle should go for ten bucks. Which brings me to the next point.
4 - If it's more than thirty years old, make sure to price it at least at five bucks. Older women are especially good at believing that people would pay twelve bucks for some part of a Commodore 64.
5 - Sell stuff that you yourself wouldn't even buy if someone paid you. I've even seen someone selling plastic bags and ice cream pails. Similarly, if Value Village wouldn't even take your item, why would anyone pay two bucks for a pair of holey shoes from the eighties?!
6 - Try to pawn off useless junk on people so you can "Make it Big." The dollars sure add up when you are selling your child's old, stained baby clothes!
7 - Sell pop, coffee, or lemonade at 400% profit. People love paying a buck for a can of President's choice cola if your five year-old asks them.
8 - Sell things that you got for free. You never know who is willing to pay a buck for that Z99 "mugged" mug.
9 - Price your items in a completely irrational manner. After all, why wouldn't someone think that your family's Royal Albert China teapot is worth less than a ball of hot pink yarn?
10 - Sell stuff that should have been thrown out last year for five cents instead. I mean, come on, what's with people keeping things I would have not thought twice about trashing? Remind me to hoard those mouldy Tupperware items to make enough to buy a blue whale at 7-11. I guess this scenario enables both me and the buyer to die from some kind of horrible food-related germ.

Posted by Fishsticks at 21:55 | Permalink | Comments

The Setting:
Me and B.A.Q. just came back from watching the Centennial Fireworks with Bran Flakes and The Jurist. A very enjoyable time; but the most entertaining part of the evening occurred while me and B.A.Q. walked in the middle of the street with a large crowd of people going Westbound all the way down Regina Avenue to Montague to return to their automobiles.

Now most people know that you shouldn't drive down Regina Ave towards Albert St if you are trying to get home on a night like tonight. But there are always a couple of directionally/strategically challenged ducks out there. Case in point: A disgruntled woman in her early sixties driving a cherry red Camry was trying to get through to the Albert Street bridge. A small, crippled man in his early eighties holding a lawn chair was standing in her way. She started blaring her horn angrily.

My Reaction: "Argh! I am so furious! If my name were T. and I had a McFlurry, some son of a BLEEP would BLEEEP!I can't believe that woman nearly ran that man over! But by trying to get around him so quickly, his lawn chair scraped the side of her car. BAQ, you should have keyed her car! Stupid ignorant lady! What do you think is going to happen if you blare your horn going down a street with tons of people? Yeah lady, we'll be wasting your time even more in the long run when you have to go get your car repainted! B.A.Q., hold me back!"

Posted by Fishsticks at 22:54 | Permalink | Comments