Tim Hortons drivethrough, 8:17 a.m.
I arrive at 8:17 a.m. to get my large decaf: one sugar, two milks. There are ten cars ahead of me but that's okay. Things always go jet-fast at Tim Hortons in the morning when all anyone wants is an XL double-double.
But today Mrs. Annoying has just pulled up to the ordering machine in her 2006 SUV.
She asks her children: "Oh kids, do you want anything?"
Child 1: "Mommy, I want a toy. -- Tim Hortons doesn't have toys. -- Why not mommy? I want a TOYYYY! -- Oh sweetie, I will buy you ten toys at Wal-Mart tonight, is that okay? Daddy is getting paid tonight -- I want eleven toys! -- Fine. Now let me choose what I want: hmm... what are these new caramel donuts I've heard so much about on those cute tv commercials? Can I splurge on that today?"
Mrs. Annoying then decides she should maybe pick up some Timbits for her employees, but can't decide how many, nor what kind!
By this time child 2 pipes up: "Mommy, I want a juice. And a muffin. -- What kind of juice, my little darling? -- I don't know, what do they have? -- Let's ask." The voice of someone is heard from the ordering machine. "Umm... like, I don't know. I think we have, like, four kinds, umm... lemme check." Two minutes later, the fruit punch is decided upon.
But now the whole process is being repeated with the muffins.
So I get out of my car, run inside, buy one of every muffin claiming I am bringing everyone at work muffins this morning, then run back outside. But little does Tim Hortons know I don't work. I am a student.
Now they are in for a comedic drive-through surprise. I face down the SUV, and yell out: "I'll show YOU what kinds of muffins!"
"What do you want, eh? Well, there are low-cal blueberry muffins. Here comes one at your windshield! Then, oh, what do we have here? A chocolate chip muffin, splat on the hood... Oh, what about this disgusting new caramel one? That made a nice mess!"
Thankfully this is all in my head. All I know is that Mrs. Annoying has been at the ordering machine for 5 and a half minutes. Finally, I get my chance to talk to order machine.
"Welcome to Tim Hortons, what can I get you?"
"Umm, you can get me your manager."
"Huh?"
Manager comes online.
"How can I help you?"
"Well, while Mrs. Annoying was hogging the ordering machine, I calculated that Tim Hortons Canada must have around 243 or 244 million "Roll up the Rim to Win" cups. Lets say the mean cost per hot beverage purchase is around $1.60 (which is still likely lowballing it considering how many XL capuccinos people order,) Tim Hortons Canada's revenue is somewhere around 390 million dollars on these cups. The prizes don't seem that great after all, do they?"
"I don't know what to answer to that, Ma'am. But I can take your order if you like"
"Okay, I'll have a large decaf, two milk, one sugar. d-e-c-a-f. Yes, some people do indeed drink decaf in the morning. But during five of my last eight visits to Tim Hortons, I've been given regular coffee by accident."
"One large decaf. Is that all?"
"No, not really. I also wanted you to know that I won't be using my new Tim Hortons coffee mug. Why? Because it doesn't fit into 1995 Camry hot beverage holders. I am sooo sorry I don't have the money to buy a 2006 SUV that has oversized adjustable coffee holders. But I guess since ordering machine has taken over here, he can't see what people are driving nowadays anyway."
I pull ahead and pay.
"Here's your decaf."
"No, here's YOUR decaf!"
"Owww, third-degree burned!"
Disclaimer: Once again, this is all in my imagination.
But today Mrs. Annoying has just pulled up to the ordering machine in her 2006 SUV.
She asks her children: "Oh kids, do you want anything?"
Child 1: "Mommy, I want a toy. -- Tim Hortons doesn't have toys. -- Why not mommy? I want a TOYYYY! -- Oh sweetie, I will buy you ten toys at Wal-Mart tonight, is that okay? Daddy is getting paid tonight -- I want eleven toys! -- Fine. Now let me choose what I want: hmm... what are these new caramel donuts I've heard so much about on those cute tv commercials? Can I splurge on that today?"
Mrs. Annoying then decides she should maybe pick up some Timbits for her employees, but can't decide how many, nor what kind!
By this time child 2 pipes up: "Mommy, I want a juice. And a muffin. -- What kind of juice, my little darling? -- I don't know, what do they have? -- Let's ask." The voice of someone is heard from the ordering machine. "Umm... like, I don't know. I think we have, like, four kinds, umm... lemme check." Two minutes later, the fruit punch is decided upon.
But now the whole process is being repeated with the muffins.
So I get out of my car, run inside, buy one of every muffin claiming I am bringing everyone at work muffins this morning, then run back outside. But little does Tim Hortons know I don't work. I am a student.
Now they are in for a comedic drive-through surprise. I face down the SUV, and yell out: "I'll show YOU what kinds of muffins!"
"What do you want, eh? Well, there are low-cal blueberry muffins. Here comes one at your windshield! Then, oh, what do we have here? A chocolate chip muffin, splat on the hood... Oh, what about this disgusting new caramel one? That made a nice mess!"
Thankfully this is all in my head. All I know is that Mrs. Annoying has been at the ordering machine for 5 and a half minutes. Finally, I get my chance to talk to order machine.
"Welcome to Tim Hortons, what can I get you?"
"Umm, you can get me your manager."
"Huh?"
Manager comes online.
"How can I help you?"
"Well, while Mrs. Annoying was hogging the ordering machine, I calculated that Tim Hortons Canada must have around 243 or 244 million "Roll up the Rim to Win" cups. Lets say the mean cost per hot beverage purchase is around $1.60 (which is still likely lowballing it considering how many XL capuccinos people order,) Tim Hortons Canada's revenue is somewhere around 390 million dollars on these cups. The prizes don't seem that great after all, do they?"
"I don't know what to answer to that, Ma'am. But I can take your order if you like"
"Okay, I'll have a large decaf, two milk, one sugar. d-e-c-a-f. Yes, some people do indeed drink decaf in the morning. But during five of my last eight visits to Tim Hortons, I've been given regular coffee by accident."
"One large decaf. Is that all?"
"No, not really. I also wanted you to know that I won't be using my new Tim Hortons coffee mug. Why? Because it doesn't fit into 1995 Camry hot beverage holders. I am sooo sorry I don't have the money to buy a 2006 SUV that has oversized adjustable coffee holders. But I guess since ordering machine has taken over here, he can't see what people are driving nowadays anyway."
I pull ahead and pay.
"Here's your decaf."
"No, here's YOUR decaf!"
"Owww, third-degree burned!"
Disclaimer: Once again, this is all in my imagination.
